Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Halloween At The ER

Years ago, I worked in the Emergency Room as an EMT. I have fond memories of Halloween shifts in the ER... Memories of handing patients off to the resident Mad Scientist (Surgeon)... Telling people looking for Xray to "Follow that Ninja." (Yeah I know... I would have thought skeletons too. But no. The X-Ray Technicians were Ninjas. -No this isn't another one of my dreams! ;) )

One of the more interesting parts of Halloween was the variety of costumes and fake injuries that came through the door. Severed heads? Yeah, like we'd fall for that! Scars, deformities, amputations, arrows through heads... With all the layers of costumes, mummy bandages, fake blood, and zombie-wear, it was never immediately apparent what the real injury was. Which is why when a man came in, wearing jeans, a white t-shirt spattered with blood, and 4 scars running straight down the front of his face, I casually took him aside and said,

ME
Hi.

HIM
Hi.

ME
Happy Halloween.

HIM
Thanks.

ME
What are you in for?

HIM
I got into a fight at a bar.

ME
What happened?

HIM
This.
(Gesturing to the 4 scars running down his face.)

ME
Wait, those are real? I thought that was part of your costume.

HIM
I'm not wearing a costume. I took it off after the fight.

ME
So none of this is fake? The blood on your shirt, is that real too?

HIM
Yup. All mine.

ME
Ok. Hold on.
(As I gestured to Raggedy Ann a nurse.)

ME (CONT.)
So what happen?

HIM
There was a Halloween costume contest at the bar where I hang out. And I won first place.

ME
And...?

HIM
And... You know Freddy Krueger? From Nightmare On Elm Street?

ME
Yes.

HIM
Well... he wasn't so happy I won.

Freddy Kreuger and his claws

 

Monday, October 27, 2008

I Love You THIS Much

I had a few moments and came straight here. I've pre-posted some more entries and answered comments through August (go take a look!). Hopefully I'll get to the rest sometime too. I'm not "back" yet.

Thank you to everybody who's still reading here. Your visits are so appreciate.

As a matter of fact... That makes me think of something else I can do right now...

Hillary gave me this award EONS ago (and as often happens, her timing couldn't have been more perfect) and I've been horribly delinquent in passing it on. (Kendra and MP, I haven't forgotten yours either!)

I love you THIS MUCH award.

I'm giving this award to everyone who's commented here while I've been away:
-And the only lurkers I can identify:
  • Athena
  • LatteMommy -My "follower!" Thank you!
  • Karyn -Who's been reading here since pretty much this blog began. -Thank you Karyn :)
If I've missed anyone please forgive me. I'm writing this at 4 am! Any other lurkers who've been reading here and not commenting, please take an award for yourself too. I'd mention you by name but I have no idea who you are! (*cough* Alberta/Calgary! *cough!*) ;)

Thank you again everybody. I am so grateful to you. I really do love all of you THISmuch.

 

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dream: 125th St (Part 1)

I wrote this out several months ago and figured I'd post it. I'd forgotten all about it. It's long. Maybe about 4 [long!] posts worth.

-Welcome to the inner subconscious workings of my brain ;)
I was in the city walking home from something and thinking that the street I was on might not be the best way to go. But I realized I could get to the street I did want by walking a few blocks more and turning, so I decided to continue walking in the direction I was going rather than turning around and going back.

A large family from out of town was also walking down that street. -And by "large family" I mean that they reminded me of that movie with Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt with all the kids. I think some of the kids in the dream were those kids, but the parents weren't Steve Martin or Bonnie Hunt. They looked more... I don't know... "Simple." I didn't know them but we all happened to be walking down the same deserted cobblestone-ish street, and I was listening to them as we walked.

The parents were saying that they thought this was the wrong way to where their car was parked, or something like that. (Note: There's going to be a lot of "or something like that"s in my descriptions!) Then, a little girl with them (maybe 8 or 9 years old) told them it was the right way and that "Look, the sign says it's 43rd street" and that if they kept walking they could turn and get to 42nd street. I thought to myself "She's right." and that was what I was going to do. Walk down a few more blocks and then turn left onto 42nd street. But her parents, her father in particular, were still saying that they didn't think she was correct (even though our streets are numbered!) and they wanted to ask someone. I stopped while they were asking. Maybe partially to hear the answer, maybe just to snoop. I don't know why.

They walked up to some sort of house. I thought that was strange. -An old house in the city, as opposed to an apartment building. A disheveled looking man came out wearing a dingy white undershirt and boxer shorts, and I thought, "He's obviously lived here for years. He'll tell them their daughter is right, and then they can keep on going."

They asked him how to get to Broadway (or something like that) and he said something about walking two blocks down, taking a left, and then getting a subway... and I think I spoke up at that point and said something about how that wasn't right. And the man replied that we were at 125th street waaaaay over on the East side and that they'd have to take a long bus/cab/train ride to get back down to 42nd street and Broadway. I asked how that was possible since we'd just seen the 43rd street sign? But I just figured "That was weird..." -How that had happened. I mean streets do take some crazy turns in NYC (Like where 10th street and 4th street intersect? -Really they do! In real life!), but I was still surprised. Though it seemed to explain the house a bit better. It would be more likely to see a house in the city the further uptown you went, as opposed to in midtown around 43rd street. So as illogical as it seemed, it also made sense in a weird dream-logic kind of way.
Note: In the dream, 125th street was supposed to be a dark, sketchy, and very dangerous neighborhood. In real life, it's not. 125th street, in real life, is fine.
I don't really understand what happened next. I think the family was concerned about walking down 125th street, and was trying to figure out what to do. Meanwhile the guy from the house started talking to them, and they all ended up kind of hanging out around a wooden picnic table that was in front of his house. I think he said something about how he was crazy, or that the police had said he was crazy, or something like that. But he wasn't acting crazy. I mean, you know... he wasn't well dressed in a suit and tie or anything, but so what?

So the parents started talking with the guy, and they and the kids were around the table socializing, because they weren't really sure what they wanted to do, and I noticed that it was slowly, slowly, starting to get darker.

(Part 2 of the dream is here.)

 

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Legacy

ME
It's been almost a year. I originally put up the memorial site to get information to people about the funeral and benefit concerts. Most of that is done, or could be handled by a mailing at this point. I promised your sister I'd take the site down when it was no longer needed, but people are still visiting it.
HER
Still?
ME
People leave comments. The most recent was a week ago from someone who hadn't realized she'd died. Others return from time to time. I can see it in my stats.
HER
Leave it up. I'm glad it's there. Really. Even though I can't visit it.
ME
I know you can't.
HER
It's not because I don't like it.
ME
I know that.
HER
Someday I'll be able to. It's still too soon. But I want it there. I like knowing her site is there. Leave it up.
ME
Ok. But I may change the focus then, from information related to her death, to a celebration of her life.
HER
That's fine. Just one thing.
ME
What?
HER
Take that picture of her off the front page.
ME
I know. She hates it.
HER
OH MY GOD she HATES it.
ME
I know.
HER
She's screaming in my head!
ME
I know. She's been screaming at me since the day I put it up.
HER
SCREAMING! In my head!
ME
I know! You don't think I know? I told her it was the best picture I had of her and I'm sorry she thinks it's puffy-
HER
PUFFY!
ME
I know.
HER
You have to take it off.
ME
I would LOVE to take it off. I KNOW she hates it. She's been screaming at me too, since day one. But I need a better picture of her to put in its place. She's your sister! Send me a better picture!
HER
I have LOADS of pictures.
ME
Well SEND me some!
HER
I will! Just get that one off of there. I can't stand the screaming. You don't understand...
ME
I do-
HER
I'm telling you, I can hear her-
ME
I know.
HER
She's SCREAMING in my head!
ME
I know. She's been screaming at me too. BELIEVE me. I've been hearing it too.
HER
I didn't want to say anything to you. I thought it'd hurt your feelings.
ME
Me? No! I know she hates it! You don't think she'd tell me! My feelings aren't hurt at all.
(pause)
So what else haven't you told me that she hates about the site?
HER
Nothing.
ME
Nothing….
HER
Nope, that was it. Just that one picture.
ME
Really.
HER
Yes.
ME
There's nothing else she hates about the site that she's told you about?
HER
No.
ME
Nothing.
HER
Nothing!
ME
Ok…
(long pause)
-She hates the 4th picture too.
HER
I KNOW!!!!!!

 

Monday, October 13, 2008

Don't Read If You Don't Have A Sense Of Humour

Again, I usually delete these without reading, but for some reason I read this one. It's been edited. My personal favorite is #4 (I would take issue with the "grouse-i-cide" but the rest is dead on.)

MESSAGE FROM, H.R.H. THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
  1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

  2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. (The Microsoft spell-checker will also be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.')

  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  6. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

  8. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies.)

  9. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

  10. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

God Save the Queen!

 

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Rain Check

ME
I'm not really up for lunch. I can probably still do it if we eat here instead of going out. We won't have your favorite popovers but there are other places that could deliver. Or we could reschedule if you'd like.

HIM
If you're not feeling great or you want to reschedule-

ME
I just hate canceling after all the trouble we had setting this date. And then if, after all that, you drop dead the next day and I missed my very last chance to have lunch with you ever -I'd feel bad.

HIM
Let's reschedule. Why should I get whatever you have? You have it, you keep it! And yes I could drop dead the next day or next week. I could drop dead tonight.

ME
Well then it wouldn't matter if you caught what I have would it?

HIM
If I drop dead tonight I wouldn't have a chance to catch it at all.

ME
If you drop dead tonight then deciding whether or not we should cancel tomorrow is moot.

HIM
Let's reschedule. And if do I drop dead, just make sure to open the casket and say-

ME
"Here Dad" and toss in a popover?

HIM
(Laughing)
Ok you are now officially in charge of tossing a popover into my grave before they cover me up. Everyone else will toss in a handful of dirt, and you toss in a popover.

ME
Make sure your wife knows this. I don't think she'd approve.

So would you be buried or cremated?

HIM
Buried.

ME
Why?

HIM
Because I don't want to wake up in an oven.

ME
Well I don't want to either but would you rather wake up under the ground? -Ok look, I want to be cremated. So do me a favor and make sure I'm fully dead before anybody puts me in an oven. I don't want to wake up in there either.

Oh and once I'm cremated, I want my ashes mixed with my pets'.

HIM
I hate to ask this but where are they.

ME
Their ashes? On the shelf by my window.

HIM
And what do we do with your ashes then?

ME
I don't care. But I want us all kept together in something plain and silver colored, like a thermos. -And don't scatter me in the ocean, shoot me into space, or cryogenically freeze my head.

 

Monday, October 6, 2008

Say What?


 

Friday, October 3, 2008

I Glued My Fingers Together

That's right. And I think it takes a particular breed of talent to accidentally glue your fingers together on not just one, but both hands!

Stop laughing.

I have a very good explanation for how this happened.

You see, I was gluing together a very tiny object, so the fingers on the hand that was holding the tiny object were pressed very tightly together. Which is why the entire front surfaces of those two finger pads became adhered to each other when the Krazy Glue (unbeknownst to me) seeped out the bottom of said tiny object, and onto the fingers that were holding it.

What about the other hand?

Well, eventually I realized that glue was seeping out from the bottom of the tiny object and onto those two fingers, and when I did, I immediately removed the tiny object from that hand while I inspected the damage. -Which is how the two fingers on the other hand got glued to not only each other, but also to the tiny object -which was still covered in Krazy Glue.

Stop laughing.

Ok fine go ahead ;)

I eventually got my fingers unstuck after two hours of soaking in acetone (nail polish remover) and warm soapy water. I know, I know... why didn't I take a picture to show you? Well I would have except you see... MY FINGERS WERE STUCK TOGETHER!