Bag Of Youth

ME

(Looking at green bags that are supposed to prolong the life of your produce and keep it from spoiling as quickly.)

I wonder if these really work?

SALESPERSON

They do! I use them and I have a tomato in one that's over a month old and it still looks brand new!

ME

Ok then... I won't be going to your house for dinner!

("Guess what everybody! All that food we're eating? It's over a YEAR OLD!")

* Note: Joe achieved this without a special bag! I think there may just be a strain of mutant tomatoes.

SMIL!

You know what really made me smile about this card?
-It's backwards (Or Jewish.)


Outside



Inside

For anyone who needed a smil smile today,
I'm sharing this with you.

* Thank you S.

No Thanks, I'll Walk

I've passed this sign for years and never thought anything of it.
The other day, it stopped me in my tracks.

Toilet Talk

I have a family member who has a phone installed in their bathroom. I'm not talking about a cordless phone that they bring into the bathroom from time to time. I'm talking about a corded phone that they installed right there, next to the toilet, screwed into the wall. -Wires running to it and everything.

I think this gives me carte blanche to talk to them while I'm in the bathroom without feeling any shame or guilt whatsoever. I'm supposed to be worried about talking in the bathroom to the person who has a phone installed in theirs?

I'm quite clear about this too. I tell them "I'm about to go to the bathroom while we're talking and I'm not the least bit embarrassed because you have a phone installed in yours!"

There's only one other person I'll do this with, and that's a friend who once had a vomiting extravaganza while we were on the phone together. And let me tell you, hearing somebody vomit into a toilet, over the phone, is far worse than any other bathroom sounds one might hear. She was sick, she was stressed, and she brought me (via phone) into the bathroom with her while she threw up, and I continued to listen to her, and talk to her for over an hour, all the while trying to ascertain whether or not she'd passed out yet and a call to 911 or a family member was in order.

As a result, I also have absolutely no problem saying to her "I'm going into the bathroom right now, and you're coming with me, and don't even start with me because you once spent over an hour puking on the phone with me!"

Everybody else in the world, is safe. ...Except companies that put me on hold for long periods of time. There has been a time or two when I had to cover the speaker, flush the toilet, and run out of the bathroom before they could hear.

BUT everybody ELSE in the world is safe from conversations with me in the bathroom. Really!

No really!

What?!

Knork

I was having a conversation with a friend through instant messaging, when my food delivery arrived. Not to be deterred, I continued to type to him with one hand while I ate my dinner with the other. And then a thought popped into my head.

ME

I have a question. How the heck do you eat and type at the same time?

HIM

I make a mess :)

My friend has one arm, and while I could completely understand typing with one hand, typing with one hand while eating at the same time was difficult for me to imagine. But there's a solution for everything -he makes a mess!

Then he said:

HIM

-And I never use a fork when I'm on the computer.

ME

You don't use a fork when you're on the computer? I'd think that would make it easier to do both?

HIM

I balance the laptop on my lap and if it starts to fall, I could put my fork through the screen.

ME

That would be bad.

So then the conversation moved to cutlery, and that's when he mentioned that he used to own a combination fork and knife. I originally pictured a handle with a knife on one end and a fork on the other, and thought that was a really clever invention, but then he said it was a knife blade on the side of a fork. He wasn't sure if these were still made so I looked it up while we were chatting, and it is. It's a combination knife and fork and it's called a knork. -Not to be confused with the spork (combination spoon and fork) which I'd heard of.

It's a pretty cool idea. I may have to get a set of knorks for myself. As a matter of fact, that may be this year's Christmas present to everybody. Think of all the cleanup it could save.

In My Email

I normally delete these without reading, but for some reason I read this one.

Subject: Important WARNING!!!

My friend sent me this message this morning, just a little too late:

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally... but this one is real, and it is important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT !!!!

THIS IS A SCAM!!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Wallet: ☑ Keys: ☑ Blog: ☐

Do you ever have a bunch of things to do where you're running around, and trying to cover all your bases so people don't worry, but because you're running around with a bunch of things to do, you don't really do that very well? -That's where I am right now! ;)

And it also doesn't help that I'm still trying to find that balance between blogging and keeping certain things private about my friends, family, or self -which unfortunately results in the occasional post that sounds like I'm working with the CIA! It's not intentional. I promise.

Thank you all for your reassurances and replies to Thursday's post. I will be offline for a while but I'll do my best to keep posts coming through here as regularly as possible. If you notice anybody leaving a comment who seems to genuinely expect a reply, -You know... something like "Melissa! Email me!" or "HEY! Why didn't you reply to my comment?!" or "I need a kidney!" please let them know I'm away.

Feel free to raid the fridge, watch tv, and play with the remote controlled a/c. (Do they make a universal remote for that yet? TV/DVD/Stereo/Air Conditioner? No? Someone should get right on that.)

Foreshadowing

I may need to be off line for a while. I may be able to email in posts, or pre-schedule a bunch in advance (more likely), but just not be able to read or reply to comments for a while. I know lots of bloggers don't reply to comments, but I do. It would be weird not doing that. Or having this all be a "one way" conversation blog and not "two way." I don't feel bad when other bloggers don't reply to their commenters but it would feel strange to me not doing that here.

I guess I wanted to let you all know in advance so that if/when this happens, it doesn't seem to come out of nowhere. Hopefully I can find a way to make this work so that posts still come through here somewhat regularly and it doesn't seem like I've fallen off the face of the earth!

I considered working out something like pre-scheduling a bunch of posts and hoping nobody would notice! But then if somebody did notice and emailed or commented and I didn't reply, then all hell might break loose, planets would collide and I really can't handle being responsible for any kind of interplanetary mass destruction right now!

Just giving you all a possible "heads up." I'm still working on this...

Tip: When Blogger "Eats" Your Post Or Comment

I left this tip for someone in their comments today and thought I'd post it here as well.

The next time Blogger gives you an error message when you're trying to make a post or comment, (and you think all your brilliant thoughts, insights, and hours of work have been lost!) right click on the page and select "back." (Mac users, hold down the cntrl key while you click the page, and select "back.") Your words will often still be there in the form. Copy and paste them somewhere while you attempt to publish again just in case Blogger is still misbehaving.

This should work with similar "form submitting" errors on other websites too, including forums, shopping carts, etc.

Just Visiting

What's better than a kitten that fits in the palm of your hand?

TWO kittens that fit in the palm of your hand!
(That's one hand!)

My friend is bottle feeding these two for a shelter near her and since they have to be fed every two hours she brought them with her when she came to visit.

Just to give you a sense of scale:

Yes, that's me.

I hope these two are ok. I poked and prodded them a little -as I do when anyone hands me an animal or a baby- (I check them all over. Ears, toes, tummy, everything.) and as often happens when I look over an animal, I found a few issues which will hopefully be addressed by a vet today.

They're soooo tiny.

This one only opened its eyes 2 days ago:

I know... it looks like a drowned rat. That's partially my fault. They were pooping on each other's heads so I decided a bath was in order.

A few more pictures:

My thumb moved during this picture (you can see the blur.)
He doesn't really have a flat head!

Anybody want a kitten?

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I'll give you a hint. It's DIRECTLY below my window.

Nobody?

Ok. What if I told you that wasn't a blurry picture?

No?

Ok, what about these pictures?





Getting a better idea?

How about this:

311

311 operator, how can I help you?

ME

Is fireworks a 311 or a 911 call?

311

That would be 911 but I can connect you.

ME

Thank you.

[Moments later]

911

911 operator, where's the emergency?

[Information between myself and the 311 and 911 operators is exchanged.]

ME

I actually don't mind fireworks, but now the smoke smell is getting really bad and coming into the building.

911

Can you see who's setting off the fireworks?

ME

Not really. Hold on.
(pause)
I can see some people but... oh... actually, I think there's smoke.
(pause)
Yeah. There's a lot of smoke.
(pause)
Yeah, my building's on fire.

911

Hold on I'm connecting you to the fire department.

ME

Thank you.

VOICE IN MY HALLWAY

THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE! THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE!

FIRE DEPARTMENT

Fire Department, where's the fire.

ME

[My street address]. It's outside the building. It looks like the garbages were set on fire by fireworks. There are some people outside, regular people, trying to put it out with a hose.

FIRE DEPARTMENT

I didn't hear all of that.

ME

Thats because of the FIREWORKS that are still going off!

I have to say, the neighbors across the street get some credit for pulling out their building's hose (seen towards the left in the pictures) and putting out the bulk of the fire -even if they're the ones most likely to have started it. The fire truck was here for an additional 20 minutes or so finishing off the job.

The real beauty of this? They're still setting off fireworks outside.

If A Tree Falls Toilet Overflows

If a toilet overflows on the 6th floor, and nobody's home, does the water still flow down through the ceilings and pipes onto the floors of every single bathroom below it?

Yes. Yes it does.

You Say Tomato...

I emailed my dad a link to the video in yesterday's post, and mistakenly said it was a video of "the salt trick." He wrote back:

...the video is of the fork trick, not the salt trick. After all these years, you'd think you'd know one from the other!!!

-The man has a point ;)

Fun At Parties Restaurants

My father has two tricks he must do at every restaurant we visit. Every restaurant, every time.

The first is his salt shaker balancing trick.

Normally we blow away the salt at the bottom.
Theoretically, the shaker is only balancing on one grain of salt.

The second trick he must always do, is the more impressive (in my opinion) "two-forks-wedged-together-with-a-toothpick" balancing trick.

The setup:

The moment of truth:

A closer look
(with rollovers)
(If the rollovers in the photo don't work, click here.)